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White lace and promises

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Last night my officemates once again had another "chill out session," meaning we drank 2 or 3 bottles of beer again. I don't know who started the topic, but we talked about marriage and instead of the usual bashing session, and I ended up crying.

My officemate asked me why I didn't agreed on marrying my boyfriend before he left for Canada. I told him it wasn't enough reason for us to marry. Sure, we love each other so much, I am very afraid that I might loose him, but I don't want to tie him down just to make sure that I wouldn't loose him. I love him to death, and I don't think there will be any guy that I will love more than I love Harvey.

There are things that I want to do before I get married. I want to find myself, my purpose and my reason for existence. I want to achieve my dream, or and there seems to be something I need to prove to myself as an individual, and not as Mrs. Hibo.
I know all those sound selfish when quoted out of context, but you see, I don't want to complicate my life further. How am I supposed to tell myself that I will give my heart and soul to one man, when I haven't found myself yet.

One more thing, I know that if I would not get to achieve whatever purpose or dream I have before I marry, I might pass my frustrations on to my future children. I know parents tend to do that (mine did, at least) and I don't want to, if I can help it.
I know, i have too much pride, and ambition, but hey, I can't help it. I don't want to marry just because. I want to marry because I am ready.

Men marry because they are tired;
women, because they are curious:
both are disappointed.

Oscar Wilde


Mariuca said...

Hi there, it's ok for u to want to find urself before gettin hitched. But it's also okay to get married and achieve your dreams AFTER gettin married :)

But at the end of the day, if you're not ready, you're just not, so don't beat yourself up over it. Wait until you really are ready. You will know when you're ready for a big commitment like marriage when you have absolutely no doubts or fears in ur heart about spending the rest of your life with that special someone.... Good night and sweet dreams :)

Johnny Ong said...

admire yr stand and the dream u have. since u are alone now, go ahead with yr dreams and when u want to dream now, pls DREAM REAL BIG.

reason - if u dream big and u dont achieve it, at least u are near it and by that time, u wld hav exceeded yr small dream level too