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sorry. no details. maybe, just maybe later.

fed up

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i hate my teammates. they want to make fun of me and a certain guy during our outing. arrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhh! sometimes they just don't know when to stop.

self diagnosis

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they say writing is therapeutic. it helps one find answers. ah, i wish it is true for me. but i am not a really good writer, i don't think i express myself well.

hmmm... what to write about today? i can't think of a topic. ok i won't have a topic instead. i'll just write whatever comes to my mind then.

what's on my mind anyway? i really don't know. i'm a scatterbrain. i have a problem staying in one topic. i cannot finish anything completely unless it's required. when i watch a movie, i can only finish it if i'm watching it with someone. or when i'm in the theater. i tried challenging myself to finish a movie. and hey, i did finish movies, but not in one sitting. it's the Matrix trilogy. yeah, the movie's great, but still can't watch it in one go.

now i want to stop writing about it. i'm bored. is this a sign that i have adhd?

may 13, 2009

what was so special about this day?

a year ago, harvey came home to manila after 3 years of living in canada. i can remember that day like it happened yesterday.

it was a planned vacation, but that day i still had work. harvey arrived the day before, but we decided to meet the day after he landed. so there, i was at work and i was nervous excited giddy and apprehensive all at the same time. i told my everyone about it, so they were kind enough to give me half day.

we agreed to meet at gateway. i arrived early, since it was just a few steps away from work. while i was retouching in the restroom he called and said he's already there. so i run as fast as i could towards where he was while still talking to him on the phone. he said he couldn't see me. i saw him first. i was happy.

we hugged. stared at each other for a long while. kissed. teased each other.hugged again. then i asked him to pinch me just to make sure i wasn't dreaming. it hurt, so i wasn't. we bantered, made a few jokes, laughed. it was like what it was before he left.

fuck why am i tearing up while writing this? oh well. i don't think i can continue writing. i'm not sure if i miss him as a person, or i just miss the thought that we used to be that close. maybe it's because i didn't see the changes in him because i was just so happy to see him.

i am confused. or maybe because i just had 2 bottles of beer and that's why my tears fall easily? i really don't know. frick. i hate this. i should get some sleep instead.


i think i'm going crazy.

one minute i'm almost crying and in the verge of jumping off of our rooftop, the next i'm laughing about a post i read online.

ah what is wrong with me? i can't even sustain one emotion for an entire hour? maybe i need to get a therapist. or a psychiatrist. i don't know.

i really am going crazy. i can't think straight. right now if i stop for a moment to try to think i know i'll feel depressed. i don't want to. it's too much to bear. it's easier to pretend to be happy and carefree. but until when can i take it? maybe one day it will all boil over and i'm afraid of what i can do to myself. i'm afraid i'll lose my sanity. i'm afraid i'll lose myself.

looking back

i started by first blog 7 years ago. wow that was a very long time ago. right now i'm trying to re-read the entries i wrote and i couldn't even remember i wrote them. hahaha. i guess that's one of the things that make me write stuff like this again. at least when i look back i will feel amused by how i was feeling at that moment.

oh my god. what a mushy corny person i was when i was younger! one entry describes how i want him around all the time. and one letter describing what happened between me and my other ex. it's fun to read that there are things i have forgotten and the internet hasn't.

I have forgotten that Harvey was just my rebound. hahahaha!


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It's Saturday night and i'm home alone and bored. I can't think of anything else so this is where I ended up. I think I wanna try what Barney Stinson does when he's bored. :D

Do an imaginary interview.

Okay. So ask me, how am I doing after the break up?

I'm doing well. Really well I guess. I don't even think about Harvey too much. I'm not sure if it's what they call repressive memory but I really don't think about him as often as I suppose I should.

How about the hurt of being cheated on? Is it still there?

Of course it is. I don't think it will ever be gone. It will become a part of me, but not like a slowly degenerating disease but more like a scar that heals at a really slow pace.

Does it help that you haven't seen him in a year before you broke up?

Yes. It's a big yes. I don't have recent memories to hold on to, like dates or outings or mushy moments. All of those were gone long before the relationship fell apart.

How are you handling your newly-found singlehood?

Great! Although there are times I am more sadder about the thought that I don't have a person I can call mine. I did take it for granted that I know Harvey was always there if I give him a call and will love me unconditionally. That's what I miss. he was the kind of person who I can turn to anytime my friends, who are here, are unavailable for emotional support. He wasn't just a boyfriend to me. He was my personal diary. I told him things I'm not proud to say out loud to everyone. I told him everything that happened in my everyday life. He was there to listen. He was there to tell me not what to do but what I need to do. I might not have always listened but I did appreciate his concern for me. A blog doesn't do that for me. Friends? yes, but I don't want to burden them with my craziness. Maybe it really was too much for Harvey.

What do you do when you miss him?

Do stuff like this. Blog. or tell whoever is next to me/available for chat that I do miss the guy. Play dotA. Go stalk anyone in Facebook. Literally just waste my time doing something inane.

I can't think of anymore questions to ask myself. If you do have one, tell me.

no space for new messages

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my friend E came over tonight. she said she was sad because her friend T now has a gf. she's not really jealous, just sad that she won't be able to hang out with him anymore since the GF might be jealous.

i know the feeling. i know it's selfish but it's sad when your friend gets someone else to hang out with. leaves no more time for you. :(