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goodbye, 2010

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"Some people, they can't just move on, you know, mourn and cry and be done with it. Or at least seem to be. But for me... I don't know. I didn't want to fix it, to forget. It wasn't something that was broken. It's just...something that happened. And like that hole, I'm just finding ways, every day, of working around it. Respecting and remembering and getting on at the same time. "
Sarah Dessen (The Truth about Forever)

my choice

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My vote goes to Biyaheng Pinoy.

Yes, one of the biggest reason being that Wencel is my friend.

But the main reason is because I have been a witness - and I think, contributor - to its fruition. I have seen how the blog progressed from being just another amateur travel blog, to what it is now - a respected, prolific, credible travel, food and lifestyle blog.

I have taken a sabbatical from writing, but hey, i can't pass up the chance to see a chance for this blog to gain an award it so deserve.
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i'm moving my blog somewhere else. ta-tah!

so anyway.

"It's your own conscience

That is gonna remind you

That it's your heart and nobody else's

That is gonna judge."

-Bob Marley-


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i checked this awesome site. and it showed me who visits this blog, which city they're from, what linked them to my blog, and what search word they used. this is part of the result.

hello visitor :D
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it wasn't me who called you. not my idea to text you. although i would always wonder how you've been, i'm never going to contact you.


i gave someone a hug today because her BF just left for Seattle. she turned away and seemed to have teared up.
me too.
i remembered the feeling of being left. i remembered how hard it was to cope knowing that the person who you used to spend every waking time with is now out of your reach. i remember crying myself to sleep most nights. i remember not daring to go out because every place reminded me of some happy memory. i remember the sadness. the loneliness.
those thoughts came back today. and i couldn't help but cry my heart out. even if i was at work and doing my work at the same time.
i remember praying just to be able to touch his face, or his hands. i used to imagine my pillow is that guy. and my blanket that comforts me is him, hugging me back. it was really really hard to not be able to reach out and hold the one you love. being together, not really doing anything, even if it's just the tip of your feet that touches each other? it's priceless.
that's why i can't blame harvey entirely about finding someone else. see? i've already forgiven him.


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wow it's been a while since i've posted anything in my blog. i don't know why. but maybe it's because i plurk a lot instead of writing lengthy blog posts.
what's been happening to me lately? well. well.. well...

i don't know. i'm at a crossroads. i'm trying to distance myself from people i've been close to. i don't want to miss them if i leave them. i just want to start anew. good thing i have lifelong friends that i can count on. they know me the best, and they give the best advice. the only problem is, will i follow them?


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seems like i have not been spending enough time writing anymore. i just have too many sites that i'm maintaining right now and my blogger seems to be one of my least prioritized. i just can't find the courage to confront what my innermost thoughts are and publish them on the web, knowing that someone who i don't know personally would be reading it.

there were too many things that happened in the past two weeks that i've not written about, mainly my birthday. and the subsequent celebration. well.. what can i say about the celebration? i was too drunk to remember what happened. all i know is...everybody had fun :)

thank you

ok's past 2 and i'm officially 28 years old.

28 sounds so old. good thing i don't feel like i'm old. and i know age is relative. it's but a number.

i feel so loved and lucky to have so many friends. every time i opened my facebook account i get notifications of friends greeting me. even people i work gave me warm greetings that made my day complete.

i'm just so lucky i have them in my life. if not for some people, i don't think i'll ever get pass the depression stage when i realized everything i planned and dreamt of is gone. they're the people that kept me going if i felt that my whole future was falling apart.

i used to think i wouldn't be able to live without that guy harvey in my life. looking back, i know i can. i am forever grateful to my friend aldo for being with me during my darkest hour. he saw the whole thing and he witnessed how i really cried. i know i was so pathetic that day but he was there to comfort me. i'm also thankful to eraine for coming over to make sure i was okay and for seeing how i laughed and felt foolish while telling her the story. and to erwin, who in his own way helped me a lot by taking my mind off my main concern. i.e., saying that " the window is open." haha. and my teammates who were really there to lend an ear to my rantings, and i actually met a lot of new friends inside the office during this period. i'm not sure why but maybe it's because misery loves company. =þ

i did, however strayed away from my old friends. i didn't want them to hear about harvey because they knew him personally. i don't want to bad mouth the person even if he is worth bad mouthing. it's only lately that i was able to get back with them and talk about him. anyways what is there to talk about? it's done and over with. i also appreciate how they respected my silence and never asked intruding questions about what happened.

to whoever is reading this, please tell the guy thank you for being a jerk. if he wasn't i wouldn't have realized how lucky i was to have such wonderful friends and such wonderful life. i can keep smiling knowing that my life never revolved around him, so he wasn't such a big loss. and that i was right. we do have to live in the Now, not in whatever future which might not even come.


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on the 29th, i'll be celebrating the 10th anniversary of my 18th birthday.

wow. really? i'm 28? that fast huh?

a friend of mine asked me once how was it like to be 27? well. too many craziness happened. so i really don't know how to describe it.

well i don t want to write about it right now. later maybe.

just want to share a pic i stumbled upon. sorry i forgot where i got it.

shop talk

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seems like i haven't been writing anything lately. i guess i was just so preoccupied with my office life that i forget to write. yes i still go online. only on facebook and plurk, and i tend to forget i do have a blog.

hmm.. what to write about?

let's see. i hate my job, but i love my workplace. i want to quit doing the job i'm doing right now but i don't want to resign. first because i don't have enough savings, second because i enjoy the company of people i work with and third i don't think i can get another job which is as easy as what i'm doing right now for the same amount of salary i'm currently getting.

a lot of my friends had already resigned. most people i know are thinking of resigning too. the job isn't stressful. it's actually the management that's making it stressful. and the fraud calls. don't make me talk about the fraud calls. ugh. this is it for now. i think i would rather watch my frontierville plants grow than talk about work right now.

my summer - part 1

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since i went through a major break up this year, i wanted to make sure i spend a lot of time for myself. i made sure my summer would be worth remembering more than that incident.where have i been these past few months?

i was just going to write a very short description of sagada, but see, i loved the place and decided to write this whole thing about my experience.

i went to sagada with 3 of my closest office friends. Yes, that's right. Me, erwin, aldo and raul. we planned our leaves but we didn't plan where to go. we decided to go to sagada days before we actually left. good thing i have connections who helped us find the perfect guide who helped us find a place to sleep and toured us around the rustic village and the dark caves.

we took the long way, a bus trip to baguio from 5 am to 12 noon,then another bus ride from baguio to sagada which took 6 hours. the road winds around the mountain. on one side all you'll see are cliffs, the other side, well, mountain. it was a welcome sight after all the billboards, the shanties and other garbage in the metro.

when we reached sagada at around 6 pm, it was really dark. i thought they didn't have road lights but it turned out to be a black out. haha. we went to eat at salt and pepper and had our first taste of the native's hospitality.

on our second day, we embarked on a spelunking expedition to sumaguing cave. it was, i guess more than 100 feet down, so it was really scary traversing the sometimes rocky, sometimes muddy with guano, sometimes wet earth. when we descended my companions left me in the middle of the path because the next part was chest high deep water. turned out the water there might get polluted with my menstruation. hehehe. so i spent 30 minutes waiting on a rock, smoking and staring at the darkness waiting for them to get back. it was scary not because i was thinking of lamang lupa and such, but i thought there would be snakes and bats. anyway, i got out of it alive so no biggie. :)

it took us half a day to do that. our guide, kuya John, saw that we seemed not to be fazed by the trek, told us that we will go visit the falls in the afternoon. so after lunch, we headed to Aguid, where we hiked for almost an hour to get to the Bomod-ok falls. the trail snakes through the rice terraces and goes on and on and on. since i did have my period that time my IBS attacked. good thing kuya john knows a lot of the people there and i took advantage of their toilet. bwahahaha!

anyways, it was a little disappointing that the falls during that time was not in full blast. of course i didn't dip in the water. it was really really cold. and there were a lot of people bathing and having their foot massaged. after the trek, it was a good thing our landlady, or auntie, prepared delicious food for us.

the next day was spent seeing the sights near the town proper. we went to the church, which was really really quaint. it made me think of going back there to get married. CHOS!
we also went to echo valley, which is just a bit of hike. kuya john said to shout all my anger away and it'll echo back to me. i tried shouting 'putangina ka harvey!' but apparently i lacked conviction and i didn't hear any echo. see, i'm not really angry. we also saw some hanging coffins, which are, by the way, eerie. and tried a bit of pottery. i successfully made an ashtray, and i fully intend to get it there. i will be back.

there were still a lot of places we didn't see. since we lack budget and time. i'm sure there'll be next time. looking at the pics every now and then make me want to go back there more. oh well, im sure i'll get the chance one day someday. we spent only 3 days there, it was tiring but worth every penny. :) definitely a place i'll go back to, again and again.


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hey you!

what are you doing sneaking up in my blog???

if you're reading my posts, then leave a comment.


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here's something i wanna dump here before i completely erase from my yahoo account (which by the way i have to change passwords in fear of someone who knows my it will go delete it himself):

kapal ng mukha kung makapagsinungaling. until the end. what an asshole.

anyway. i'm trying to let go of all negativity in my life and i'm going off the radar for a while.

i'll keep this blog to remind me how NOT to trust another person completely.

to YOU, who visited this blog (from Edmonton, using a Mozilla Firefox browser, stentor national integrated communications network DSL connection) 5 times since May, I wish you the best of luck. you'll need it when Karma comes knocking on harvey's door.

And if you know the guy you keep typing on that google search box of yours*, say hi to him for me. and yes i still want someone to slap him really hard. and then, maybe then, i'll stop putting his name on my blog. =þ

after all, i didn't put this on the web for him or anyone else to read off of, i just need to take away some of the pain he caused.

i wasn't miserable these past few months, but i wasn't completely happy either. it was hard for me to trust anyone, and I did trust harvey. being betrayed the way he did to me is by far the worst thing i have experienced. that part is hard to get over. having loved and lost? tsk, i'm fine with that.


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to you who seems to be always googling 'harvey hibo':

i can stalk you too.

believe what you see on the net. it's true. :þ


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some days are really not worth it.

i woke up at 12 noon cuz my sister called me. argh! i still haven't recovered from my lack of sleep yesterday.

ah yesterday.

i dreamed about harvey. in my dream I called him accidentally. he was half asleep so he addressed me as he would before.. and talked about missing each other. i'm not sure if it was a dream or it really happened. made my day crappy yesterday.

i remember the feeling of talking to him.

i'm ready!
yes i am. ready to move on.
it's been 3 months since I found out the guy I thought was perfect isn't. he is a lying cheating a$$hole and took the cowardly way out of our almost 7 year long relationship.

yes, that pig on the right is the guy i'm talking about.

tomorrow, June 5th, would have been our 7th year as a couple.

we started out in college, me in UP and he in UST. mondays were the only days we usually could meet. we had so much in common, but knew each other so little. it all started out as just for fun, since we were both so young. we used to do too many things together. we used to like similar things. we went to places together.

when i think back all those years
we spent together, yes i was happy for a time. he and i get along really well, and we have fun wh
en we're together, with friends or even when we're talking on the phone.

i know i was really patient with him, and so was he to me. he doesn't smoke, i do, and he tolerated it cuz he "understands
" me. he leaves me hanging or waiting all the time, but i never lose my patience, cuz i understand him.

since he moved away, we did start drifting apart. at first it was working, we talk on the phone like he's just in marikina, chat when we're online or sometimes send
letters to each other.

(see, i don't even know if he's pretending to miss
me or he really does in this picture)

i felt the distance most especially when he moved to edmonton and told me he was moving farther away. it's like he is putting too much distance between us instead of bridging the gap to make it closer.

i thought we were different. i though the long distance wouldn't be a hindrance in our relationship. i thought he loved me. i thought he was as strong as he taught me to be. well i thought wrong.

i did think of breaking up with him long before i discovered his other girlfriend. most of my friends actually told me i should, but i was just so stubborn to admit the relationship wasn't working. i thought we could work things out. when he came home last year, all he did was
be mad at the smallest things. he changed. he used to be so happy go lucky and carefree like me, but when he visited, he was irritable, sensitive, homophobic and c
ursed at every opportunity he could. still, i tried to understand him.

(this was his pasalubong last year when he went home)

well i don't want to dwell anymore on those negative thoughts. i'm dumping these pics on my blog so i can erase them from my harddrive.

(this was our last happy couple picture) >>

what i want to do right now is celebrate, rejoice and be happy. :)

i am free. i don't have to pretend to care about his welfare. i don't have to think about what he would think every time i am enjoying myself. i don't have to worry myself to death about how he is faring over there in canada. i don't have to check my phone every minute when he tells me he was going to call but haven't. i don't have to think way far into the future and wonder what would my life be in a cold heartless place where he is now. i don't have to be sad even when i'm not just to make myself believe i am missing him and want him next to me. i don't have to give excuses for him to other people.

i just don't have to force myself to love miss and worry about him.

and i'm so so so GLAD it's over.

now, after 3 months, my grieving period is officially over.

yes i do miss what i thought he was, but i don't miss him as my howe anymore.

i still miss talking to him about inane things, but hey i can do that with my friends too.

i miss having a boyfriend, but not especially harvey as that boyfriend. he may have been any other guy and i would still miss him.

i am so over you, harvey jonas reyes chua hibo. you wasted a lot of my tears, effort, saliva, worry, money and 7 years of my life and i won't let you waste any more of it.

michelle andres, that obese guy's all yours. :)


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sorry. no details. maybe, just maybe later.

fed up

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i hate my teammates. they want to make fun of me and a certain guy during our outing. arrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhh! sometimes they just don't know when to stop.

self diagnosis

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they say writing is therapeutic. it helps one find answers. ah, i wish it is true for me. but i am not a really good writer, i don't think i express myself well.

hmmm... what to write about today? i can't think of a topic. ok i won't have a topic instead. i'll just write whatever comes to my mind then.

what's on my mind anyway? i really don't know. i'm a scatterbrain. i have a problem staying in one topic. i cannot finish anything completely unless it's required. when i watch a movie, i can only finish it if i'm watching it with someone. or when i'm in the theater. i tried challenging myself to finish a movie. and hey, i did finish movies, but not in one sitting. it's the Matrix trilogy. yeah, the movie's great, but still can't watch it in one go.

now i want to stop writing about it. i'm bored. is this a sign that i have adhd?

may 13, 2009

what was so special about this day?

a year ago, harvey came home to manila after 3 years of living in canada. i can remember that day like it happened yesterday.

it was a planned vacation, but that day i still had work. harvey arrived the day before, but we decided to meet the day after he landed. so there, i was at work and i was nervous excited giddy and apprehensive all at the same time. i told my everyone about it, so they were kind enough to give me half day.

we agreed to meet at gateway. i arrived early, since it was just a few steps away from work. while i was retouching in the restroom he called and said he's already there. so i run as fast as i could towards where he was while still talking to him on the phone. he said he couldn't see me. i saw him first. i was happy.

we hugged. stared at each other for a long while. kissed. teased each other.hugged again. then i asked him to pinch me just to make sure i wasn't dreaming. it hurt, so i wasn't. we bantered, made a few jokes, laughed. it was like what it was before he left.

fuck why am i tearing up while writing this? oh well. i don't think i can continue writing. i'm not sure if i miss him as a person, or i just miss the thought that we used to be that close. maybe it's because i didn't see the changes in him because i was just so happy to see him.

i am confused. or maybe because i just had 2 bottles of beer and that's why my tears fall easily? i really don't know. frick. i hate this. i should get some sleep instead.


i think i'm going crazy.

one minute i'm almost crying and in the verge of jumping off of our rooftop, the next i'm laughing about a post i read online.

ah what is wrong with me? i can't even sustain one emotion for an entire hour? maybe i need to get a therapist. or a psychiatrist. i don't know.

i really am going crazy. i can't think straight. right now if i stop for a moment to try to think i know i'll feel depressed. i don't want to. it's too much to bear. it's easier to pretend to be happy and carefree. but until when can i take it? maybe one day it will all boil over and i'm afraid of what i can do to myself. i'm afraid i'll lose my sanity. i'm afraid i'll lose myself.

looking back

i started by first blog 7 years ago. wow that was a very long time ago. right now i'm trying to re-read the entries i wrote and i couldn't even remember i wrote them. hahaha. i guess that's one of the things that make me write stuff like this again. at least when i look back i will feel amused by how i was feeling at that moment.

oh my god. what a mushy corny person i was when i was younger! one entry describes how i want him around all the time. and one letter describing what happened between me and my other ex. it's fun to read that there are things i have forgotten and the internet hasn't.

I have forgotten that Harvey was just my rebound. hahahaha!


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It's Saturday night and i'm home alone and bored. I can't think of anything else so this is where I ended up. I think I wanna try what Barney Stinson does when he's bored. :D

Do an imaginary interview.

Okay. So ask me, how am I doing after the break up?

I'm doing well. Really well I guess. I don't even think about Harvey too much. I'm not sure if it's what they call repressive memory but I really don't think about him as often as I suppose I should.

How about the hurt of being cheated on? Is it still there?

Of course it is. I don't think it will ever be gone. It will become a part of me, but not like a slowly degenerating disease but more like a scar that heals at a really slow pace.

Does it help that you haven't seen him in a year before you broke up?

Yes. It's a big yes. I don't have recent memories to hold on to, like dates or outings or mushy moments. All of those were gone long before the relationship fell apart.

How are you handling your newly-found singlehood?

Great! Although there are times I am more sadder about the thought that I don't have a person I can call mine. I did take it for granted that I know Harvey was always there if I give him a call and will love me unconditionally. That's what I miss. he was the kind of person who I can turn to anytime my friends, who are here, are unavailable for emotional support. He wasn't just a boyfriend to me. He was my personal diary. I told him things I'm not proud to say out loud to everyone. I told him everything that happened in my everyday life. He was there to listen. He was there to tell me not what to do but what I need to do. I might not have always listened but I did appreciate his concern for me. A blog doesn't do that for me. Friends? yes, but I don't want to burden them with my craziness. Maybe it really was too much for Harvey.

What do you do when you miss him?

Do stuff like this. Blog. or tell whoever is next to me/available for chat that I do miss the guy. Play dotA. Go stalk anyone in Facebook. Literally just waste my time doing something inane.

I can't think of anymore questions to ask myself. If you do have one, tell me.

no space for new messages

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my friend E came over tonight. she said she was sad because her friend T now has a gf. she's not really jealous, just sad that she won't be able to hang out with him anymore since the GF might be jealous.

i know the feeling. i know it's selfish but it's sad when your friend gets someone else to hang out with. leaves no more time for you. :(

this too, shall pass

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maybe if i repeat it it will be true.

this too shall pass.
this too shall pass.
this too shall pass.
this too shall pass.
this too shall pass.
this too shall pass.
this too shall pass.
this too shall pass.
this too shall pass.
this too shall pass.
this too shall pass.
this too shall pass.
this too shall pass.
this too shall pass.

argh! i hate this shitty feeling.

mind over matter.
mind over matter.
mind over matter.

aja aja fighting!

the look

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i was in the locker room today preparing to go home when i happened to glance towards the hallway. for a split second i thought i saw harvey. but obviously it wouldn't be him. it was this team leader that looks a lot like him. the guy was looking my way and the way he was looking... well it made me think of harvey. it made me sad.

the way he was looking reminded me of the way harvey looks for me in a crowd. like a little worried and is missing me even if i have just left him a few moments before. hay. how i missed that look. how i wish somebody would look at me like that again. i think i would never get that same kind of attention from any guy, not in this lifetime.

it's making me melancholic.. sad. nostalgic. and once again, angry.

hay naku punyeta kasing future yan. puro future inisip nung tao. punyeta. nakita nang ako ang taong walang hinaharap. future future future. blah blah blah. siya din naman nahirapan. siya ang naghanap ng atensyon ng iba. punyeta.

i'm not sure i'm over him. my friends kit and marv are right. you can never get over the person. i'm trying not to think about him, but once he enters my mind, it's hard to stop thinking about anything related to him. i force myself not to think about those kinds of thoughts, they're dangerous. they get me in trouble.

soothing sagada

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i thought going somewhere else would take my mind off stuff. but no, it makes things a lot worse.

i wrote this while on a 6 hour bus ride to sagada.

i'm not sure if it's me being alone right now or if it's me being high up in the clouds that's causing my pensive mood. I do have a lot in my mind and solitude is one of the things i've been trying to avoid. I don't want to have to think deep and let my mind wander. It makes me go crazy.

I have a lot of questions in my mind and it is catching up in moments like this. I have had a lot of imaginary conversations with different people and i'm still not able to reach any conclusions or solutionsn to my dilemmas.

I'm not sure I want them answered. :(

don't speak.

most private thing i'm willing to admit here?

what happened here stays here.not really gonna tell. this blog is too public to admit anything of that sort.

not sure where to go on from here.

i really feel like i'm losing a very very good friend.

everything changed. it doesn't seem so apparent in the surface, but it changes everything.

what was i thinking back then? what was i thinking? i never thought i'm that kind of girl. really didn't. am i?

oh well i guess i wasn't thinking. damn big bang.

cryptic me strikes again.


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i procrastinate a lot. i put things in the back burner. now, let me try to write about it.

when i saw my friend terence the other day, he said.. 'ikaw kasi cess ayaw mo naman sumunod dun.' apparently he noticed that my words contradict my actions. i always tell them that yes, i want to be with him, yes we plan to live there together in the future. but i don't have a passport yet. i have done not a single step to be nearer to him. i just wait. wait without doing anything.

was it my subconscious telling me that i never wanted to leave the philippines and live in canada?


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i know a lot of people. i have a lot of friends. not one of them know the same side of me. i have different facets like a diamond. i say something to one friend that i would never tell another. it's rare when i tell someone something off the top of my head. i could never do that. i think about everything first before i tell my secrets.
you may know me, you may not, but one thing i can tell you. you can never say you really know me. even my ex. i did consider him my best friend, but there were a lot of things i kept hidden from him. there were in fact, a dozen. it's not impossible but since i still have my name attached to this blog he might one day get to read this so i still won't tell him. but one thing is for certain, i didn't betray him the way he betrayed me and our 6 year 8 month relationship. i didn't cheat on him.
yes it did occur to me to cheat on him. actually before the whole thing happened, i was thinking about it, but i didn't. i was too damn loyal. he got me on his hook. he always said it was difficult working and being there in canada. he was always telling me how pitiful he is. and i was thinking, it would break his heart if i cheat. boy, was i wrong.

to be continued...


i'm back.
after a long sojourn, i'm officially back.
i need an outlet to express my emotions because i am afraid i will lose my sanity if i don't start pouring it out. sorry to whoever reads this. i myself hate emotional vampires and needy people, but i just need to write to heal.
what do i need healing from?
my boyfriend of 6 years 8 months is gone.
gone because he has chosen to be loved and cared for by someone else. someone who can be physically beside him when i can't. and he is blaming me for not being there for him.
to those who don't know, he is canada. i am in the philippines. we have been together for 2 years 2 months when he left. we were both idealistic and believed in the romantic idea that long distance relationship will work as long as we have each other. obviously it didn't.
i'm not really sure when the relationship started falling apart.i will write about it later.